Forecasting

Eclipse Horror Scopes

Offer good until next week sometime TBD.


 

Aries | Whoa are you busy. Things are happening like OMFG so fast! Like woosh woosh woosh. I mean TBH.. It’s basically ideal for you. No commitments like IDGAF. No one has time to even type right now. Abbreviate. NP! G2G! B4N! Like, TBH just because you started something doesn’t mean it has to be extreme. You are not required to dive head first all the time. Just most of it. This event for you RAM IT UP is about balancing your drive with your ability to give a shit. Give a shit about other people a little more. And your health too.

Taurus | The worst thing that could even happen to you has happened. Most people call it change. But bully, you probably call it Armageddon. On the eve of next weekend hopefully you’ll feel relieved. Until then. Just take a breath. It’s not a panic attack after all. What a relief! Have more wine. Perhaps consider a more frugal brand too. Change can mean buying the store brand. Please, stop crying now. It’s good to be humble. So learn how. NOW. Change yourself. *poof*

Gemini | Remember that time you ate too many mushrooms? This is like that. Trembly shoulders. Getting lost in the same room. Over, and over, and over. Body aches, vomiting, paranoia and all the fun stomach problems too. May be you’ve put butter on pretzels because it sounded good. Meanwhile, clogged by too much salt, sweat is manifesting from pores you didn’t even know existed. You need some Sulphur to leave that place. Make your magic and tap dance to it. Remember who you are when you’re not on mushrooms. Be that person.

Cancer | Ok. If you can stop crying long enough to go outside, you should. Nature is going to fix it all. Your nautical interior needs to be hosed out. The emptiness and loss you feel is for a reason. Step out from behind your massive wall of souvenirs and defense mechanisms and be vulnerable. Expose your feelings. *gasp* Just for this week. See how it fits with the rest of your collection. If you hate it, add it to that massive pile and retreat.

Leo | Take the flashlight out your face. Not everyone needs the story. Yes it’s fun. Sure you are funny as no one denies. But these details. Isn’t life complicated enough? Sometimes acting out scenes is just a cry for help. If you need a hug, just ask for it. Remove the painquills with heart exercises. You know, chakra shit. Even Madonna does it. YAS QUEEN. Exterminate the competition. You know, walk on. *swishes hair*

Virgo | You are good enough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. No, you’re not perfect. Nor will you ever be. I’m sorry. Whats the point? Where is the fun in your life. Is it under the regularly dusted rock?  Perhaps ajar in your nicely vacuumed car. Isn’t a huge side of worry all the fun you need? You know, day to day at least. This is your lucky year Virgo. This Eclipse will boost you higher. Go after your dreams. Oh ok. Everything is already perfect. It was a joke. Write it down I guess.

Libra | Sliding scales bear less weight. Settle into something. But first figure out what. Obviously that’s hit. Perhaps combing over your hair as you load a bag lipstick for the road. Brood a while. Less caffeine. More calm. Use this Eclipse energy to collect all the pieces of yourself. You do love to leave tiny trinkets. Soon comes change. A carrot juice daily and more rest will do you good. If you’ve been unofficially nomadic that time will soon end. But first! Rest. Then, decisions!

Scorpio | Dragging the bottom of the pond. Oh the gore. Oh the horror. Wait, that’s you sorry. Oh the expectations. The delays. Why can’t you just control it all. No really, why can’t you? Well that would be too easy. You just love to make things difficult. Vines don’t grow by lifting peas. They grow by wrapping tiny tendrils around the necks of everything and climbing their way up. Then, the peas come. Have another glass of blood and just be patient.

Sagittarius | Officially a warning. Carelessness will get you nowhere. It will. Will it? Perhaps not where you want to be. Go elsewhere. RUN! This weeks energy supercharges your drive. Sex and more sex is on your mind. Keep in mind, judgement. Not fuzz beard. A wrath lingers on the horizon. If you go to war make sure you’ve already won. Wait it is fuzzy beard. Just put everything in writing. Don’t burn too many palaces down. Until tomorrow, more excess now. Use caution that’s all I’m saying.

Capricorn | Shit is so hard right now. You have to talk about your emotions. What a fucking nightmare. The pain is felt by your fellow loathers of all. Finally you have all the time you need to do everything you want to do. Yet, you feel so annoyed. What is this new tension? It’s called being emotional. Your empathy gears just went into working order. Soul searching shit. Long mind trips of karmic bewilderment. What is the water coming from your eyeballs? Quick! The ER! This cannot be good for you. This is good for you.

Aquarius | Spaceship called. You’ll have to return the rental by next week. Keep the custom hand pod. Got it? Enjoy this weeks mega watt blast forward. Is your head elevated enough? This is what they mean by high on life. The purple lighting bolts are rocking your world. Basically you are kicking ass. Mostly in your own mind. But that does translate to what we deem reality. This is your era, after all. Sweet energy bearer. Create everything you desire and watch it transpire. The world belongs to you. Then next week. Onto the next, week.

Pisces | It is possible you are dead but do not know. Bubbling oh a bubbling. It’s okay. You’re still here, right? Waiting around for change to happen. Swim faster, fish. You are the change. Just make it happen. You’ve saved quite enough energy for the job. Become the whale you’ve always dreamed of. You may have to ask for help. Martyrdom is so 2010. Aren’t you lonely by now? Surround yourself with friendly gills. Feel the warmth of the Sun on your face. The pasty fish look just doesn’t flatter your fins. Socialize now. Hide later. *splash*


 

Basically everyone is tripping.

XxX- C

eclipse horror scopes

 

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